the creepy past

I like to tell myself that everyone in the world made monumental mistakes for three years straight like I did. Im not talking like....ate too many donuts or like...bought a really expensive car and now lives paycheck to paycheck. Nope. I would consider mistakes like that blessings comparatively. I spent three years of my life living recklessly and irresponsibly. Drugs? nope. Homicide? Nope. Thats good though. Perspective. At least I didnt kill anyone. What did I kill? My credit history. I all but completely stopped paying my bills...who am I kidding...I did. I stopped paying my bills for three years. THREE ENTIRE YEARS. I just went about acting like they didnt exist. I shoved them into this tiny little compartment of my brain that I refused to acknowledge. Ocassionally, on the silent drive around I would think "woooooooo its been about a year since I even thought about that MASSIVE STUDENT LOAN"...but that was it. In fact..I gnored them so well that i COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THEM....until now. Thanks US Department of Education for the subtle reminder. I think--if we are being honest...I thought I was going to eventually take my own life so it didnt matter? I was just kind of building up the guts to do it. Make sure Aidyn was in a good place with his Dad. I dont know what I was waiting for. God knew. I didnt. I mean I thank Him every day that he never gave me the gall to actually take my own life..dont get me wrong but Im like "damn dude...a little more whispers in the ear about paying my bills would've been nice!"

I am still searching for the hidden meaning in all of that time. Who knows if I will ever find one. I do know, for one, it is testing my husbands capacity of patience and forgiveness right? That poor man...married me...and three years of reckless living and spending. Often he takes it on himself...says the hurt he caused me turned me to a life of sin. Its not his fault. I had no self control and no real plan of staying alive long enough to assume responsibility for my actions. Here I am...many moons later...and it has come back to haunt me. I am in an insane amount of debt and in no position to get a job. I have babies to raise and give my time to. I have a service member for a husband who needs me to hold it down here while he does whatever he does in that windowless cave that he works in. I dont know.

Im sitting here..staring at these enormous numbers in this spreadsheet I am having to type out thinking...what in the world did I do? 

Why am I sharing this with you? I dont know...so people know I am human. To hold myself accountable. Part of self forgiveness, I think, is really putting it out there the colossal mistakes you have made. I have one more. I am not ready to face it. Its between me and God. Im fairly certain He is also just pretending it didnt happen. I would if I was him.

ugh

pay your bills folks. i promise you they will not just go away. dammit. 

....back to the ol spreadsheet...work your magic Dave Ramsey. Im about to go get an I.V. drip of Young Living's blend "Stress Away" so I dont spontaneously combust. Diffusing it seems to be helping...for now.