I was driving today. I was deep in thought about the things I have been reading in the media and suddenly the tears began to fall. I started to panic. I mean actually have a panic attack. I was thinking...what if someone forced me to do something to you that I did not want to do. I would be enraged. I would fight it with every ounce of my being. Then I thought to myself...what if that same person had the power to make sure I never saw you again. This is the stuff that horror movies are made out of. Movies...fictional scenarios that people make up in their head and earn money off of. This is the stuff you hear about happening in countries that people risk life and limb to escape. Piling into the fume filled compartments of tiny dingys and making THOUSAND mile treks from their countries because they believe that we are the land of the free. They think we are the land of opportunity and growth and development and all of the other positive things. They think they will be protected by our laws, They think we have rights. They think we are allowed to choose for our children, our bodies, our lives without fear. The sad truth is...they are reading from a page torn out of a book many decades ago.
See, sweet children, I grew up in the land of the free. I grew up in the home of the brave. I grew up where our flag could be wherever the hell we wanted it to be. I grew up where my parents decided for me not a group of grumpy 982 year old men who make 6+ figures. I grew up where I could walk to school and not think it was really strange if a car drove slowly by me. I grew up going to the doctor...being told its okay to struggle in school..because I was a kid still learning how to learn. I grew up where there was SO much less hate. I grew up where Moms were RESPECTED for their choices not bashed, imprisoned, or worse. I grew up in a time where you did not have to go through extensive testing for your teachers to just simply give you a little extra help.
I am so scared for you. Im scared for you and your kids mostly. I see our rights slowly but surely being taken from us. Every day we hear of more and more laws being implemented and God help us if we dont follow them, we will never see our babies again. I had a real thought today...I hope my kids never have kids and it brought tears to my eyes but I want to protect you from the constant physical ache I feel wondering if one day someone is going to tell me that you are no longer allowed to come to my bed when you are scared...it will be neglect, abuse, child endagerment. I worry if one day someone is going to burst through my front door and tell me I HAVE to get on WIC because I choose full fat milk for you when the government believes 2% is what you need. I worry for you guys because if those are real possibilities for me...what is going to happen in 20 years when you start having kids? I fear my daughters, for whom if I have done my job correctly, will choose to birth freely...I worry they will have to flee to just give birth to their babies because home birth, unmedicated birth, free birth will eventually be against the law? I ache for you Paisley and Macie because I am terrified of your bodies not being your own. I worry about you feeling violated, invalidated, unsure of yourselves. I worry for you Aidyn and Jameson to be the head of households one day where you are no longer given the respect and the authority to lead your family with pride because the government makes these choices for you.
I have irrational thoughts....maybe Canada? Maybe the beach somewhere in South Africa? Can we just hide in the mountains somewhere. I need to get out of here before it becomes legal to track every citizens movements. I am having the most unreasonable thoughts.
Is this what its like to be a parent? It must be. I just want to protect you from all of the hurt and heartache I see daily. I mean someone would have to send me home to my maker before I would EVER EVER let anyone do something to you, for you, with you without my ACTUAL (different than forced) consent. I just cant even begin to organize my thoughts when it comes to this. My head...I can physically feel the rage....I feel light headed, cloudy, dizzy with fear.
This is the stuff, 40 years ago, that sci fi writers wrote about. A land in which we all must follow rules...a dictatorship, if I may. Nothing out of the box is allowed and the box...its scary and mean and unreasonable. How long until we arent allowed to dress our boys in pink and our girls in green because its a distraction? How long until we are sent to prison for keeping our kids gluten free because the FDA thinks we need it? How long until someone arrests me off the street for endangering my three year old by having her rear facing? I just dont know..its all creeping closer and closer to ME. How close will it be to yours?
Im sorry I cant do more to change your reality. Im sorry for praying right now that you never have kids. Im sorry I am only one person. Im so sorry. Im sorry, boys, for making a decision based on your "normalcy" and you will have to live with that forever and eventually make a choice for your children. Im sorry, girls, for the times I fail to lead you with courage.
I will tell you what though. Between your Daddy, Alicia and myself we will raise all 4 of you with the hearts of lions, the strength of a super hero, the will of a warrior. We will raise you to be sound, selfless and smart. We will raise you to make sure you understand that not a single soul will ever take anything from you...not without a hell of a fight. We will raise you to BE the change. Don't ever...ever let anyone make your choices for you.
You all are already incredible little souls with SUCH an incredible story...so I trust you will be just fine...but I worry. I worry so much for the world around you.
My entire lifes work is making sure you are given everything you need to succeed in life...not to teach you right from wrong but to teach you to think for yourself. You need to decide whats right and wrong and stick to it and fight like hell for it. Make choices out of kindness, love and humility...not pride, hate and anger.
I love you all so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment