An Open Letter To My Children

Dear Aidyn, Jameson, Paisley and Macie,

I was driving today. I was deep in thought about the things I have been reading in the media and suddenly the tears began to fall. I started to panic. I mean actually have a panic attack. I was thinking...what if someone forced me to do something to you that I did not want to do. I would be enraged. I would fight it with every ounce of my being. Then I thought to myself...what if that same person had the power to make sure I never saw you again. This is the stuff that horror movies are made out of. Movies...fictional scenarios that people make up in their head and earn money off of. This is the stuff you hear about happening in countries that people risk life and limb to escape. Piling into the fume filled compartments of tiny dingys and making THOUSAND mile treks from their countries because they believe that we are the land of the free. They think we are the land of opportunity and growth and development and all of the other positive things. They think they will be protected by our laws, They think we have rights. They think we are allowed to choose for our children, our bodies, our lives without fear. The sad truth is...they are reading from a page torn out of a book many decades ago.

See, sweet children, I grew up in the land of the free. I grew up in the home of the brave. I grew up where our flag could be wherever the hell we wanted it to be. I grew up where my parents decided for me not a group of grumpy 982 year old men who make 6+ figures. I grew up where I could walk to school and not think it was really strange if a car drove slowly by me. I grew up going to the doctor...being told its okay to struggle in school..because I was a kid still learning how to learn. I grew up where there was SO much less hate. I grew up where Moms were RESPECTED for their choices not bashed, imprisoned, or worse. I grew up in a time where you did not have to go through extensive testing for your teachers to just simply give you a little extra help.

I am so scared for you. Im scared for you and your kids mostly. I see our rights slowly but surely being taken from us. Every day we hear of more and more laws being implemented and God help us if we dont follow them, we will never see our babies again. I had a real thought today...I hope my kids never have kids and it brought tears to my eyes but I want to protect you from the constant physical ache I feel wondering if one day someone is going to tell me that you are no longer allowed to come to my bed when you are scared...it will be neglect, abuse, child endagerment. I worry if one day someone is going to burst through my front door and tell me I HAVE to get on WIC because I choose full fat milk for you when the government believes 2% is what you need. I worry for you guys because if those are real possibilities for me...what is going to happen in 20 years when you start having kids? I fear my daughters, for whom if I have done my job correctly, will choose to birth freely...I worry they will have to flee to just give birth to their babies because home birth, unmedicated birth, free birth will eventually be against the law? I ache for you Paisley and Macie because I am terrified of your bodies not being your own. I worry about you feeling violated, invalidated, unsure of yourselves. I worry for you Aidyn and Jameson to be the head of households one day where you are no longer given the respect and the authority to lead your family with pride because the government makes these choices for you.

I have irrational thoughts....maybe Canada? Maybe the beach somewhere in South Africa? Can we just hide in the mountains somewhere. I need to get out of here before it becomes legal to track every citizens movements. I am having the most unreasonable thoughts.

Is this what its like to be a parent? It must be. I just want to protect you from all of the hurt and heartache I see daily. I mean someone would have to send me home to my maker before I would EVER EVER let anyone do something to you, for you, with you without my ACTUAL (different than forced) consent. I just cant even begin to organize my thoughts when it comes to this. My head...I can physically feel the rage....I feel light headed, cloudy, dizzy with fear.

This is the stuff, 40 years ago, that sci fi writers wrote about. A land in which we all must follow rules...a dictatorship, if I may. Nothing out of the box is allowed and the box...its scary and mean and unreasonable. How long until we arent allowed to dress our boys in pink and our girls in green because its a distraction? How long until we are sent to prison for keeping our kids gluten free because the FDA thinks we need it? How long until someone arrests me off the street for endangering my three year old by having her rear facing? I just dont know..its all creeping closer and closer to ME. How close will it be to yours?

Im sorry I cant do more to change your reality. Im sorry for praying right now that you never have kids. Im sorry I am only one person. Im so sorry. Im sorry, boys, for making a decision based on your "normalcy" and you will have to live with that forever and eventually make a choice for your children. Im sorry, girls, for the times I fail to lead you with courage.

I will tell you what though. Between your Daddy, Alicia and myself we will raise all 4 of you with the hearts of lions, the strength of  a super hero, the will of a warrior. We will raise you to be sound, selfless and smart. We will raise you to make sure you understand that not a single soul will ever take anything from you...not without a hell of a fight. We will raise you to BE the change. Don't ever...ever let anyone make your choices for you.

You all are already incredible little souls with SUCH an incredible story...so I trust you will be just fine...but I worry. I worry so much for the world around you.

My entire lifes work is making sure you are given everything you need to succeed in life...not to teach you right from wrong but to teach you to think for yourself. You need to decide whats right and wrong and stick to it and fight like hell for it. Make choices out of kindness, love and humility...not pride, hate and anger.

I love you all so much.

I think I've found the problem....

Paisley....has always had fire in her soul. Since the day she was born. She knows what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it. She has no bones about it. I love her for it. Every day when I was pregnant I prayed on such a deep emotional level that He would bless me with a strong willed little girl because I spent 24 years of my life being pushed around and I did not want that for her. I was actually devastated when I found out she was a girl because I feared for her. She came into this world roaring. Life has never been the same. She was a reasonably mellow baby. Really hooked
on the breast. Looking back now I can see...she was trying to tell me something. The good I was trying to give her did not make her feel good. Looking back now I am tearing myself apart for making her eat just because I thought she needed SOMETHING.

Well..finally the solid food thing caught on but she changed. She was fire and MORE. She was fire and rage and anger and spite. I thought...well God delivered. I got what I asked for. Her personality became the butt of the family's jokes. People at family get togethers would pick at her just to get her fired up....but they also used to do that to me when I was a kid...so I let it go. She is a resilient little girl after-all. Things, just have gotten worse though. She is the classic sweet and sour kid. She is so incredibly loving in between the most hateful rages you've ever seen. I always tell my husband...I am so sad that a person that small can hold so much anger. I blamed myself.

This morning things came to a head. Paisley turned down dinner last night. We operate on an eat or go hungry premise in this house. I am not a short order chef...nothing will change about that. She didnt want her dinner. SHe got a glass of full fat milk and went to bed. This morning I let her nom on these nifty new little bars we got. Filled with delicious vibrant red filling. They were labeled natural. Totally fine. No biggie (foreshadowing...I ever over looked them in my frantic search for the offending ingredient because it said NATURAL). Paisley and Aidyn were laughing and loving all morning. She slept well, woke up happy, everything was fine. She ate this bar, went off to play and then out of nowhere she started screaming at me for a treat. I had no idea where it came from because I didnt offer one. She wanted one right now. I offered her a raspberry and she slapped it out of my hand. I offered her some "ice cream" (frozen vanilla greek yogurt) and she just lost it. She threw herself on the ground. She was kicking the floor, screaming so hard she was gagging, she kept saying she wanted 2 and 3 and different colors. It was like her brain was firing in all directions. I got her attention..I got really close to her face and I said "Paisley what is wrong with you?!" and she cried for a moment and hugged me and then suddenly the rage started again. She started throwing things around the house, grabbing at her legs, pulling at her shirt. She walked into the laundry room and started slamming the door over and over and over and over. I got her attention again and I said "Paisley, come here...lets talk about this" (that usually works) she took a deep breath and wiped her tears away and sat on my lap for a minute....less than a minute even before she shoved me away and started taking off her clothes. She was so mad. I didnt know what to do. She started opening the  cabinets that had all the pots and pans and I thought...I need to send the other two kids to the neighbors. I dont know what I am going to do. I kept guiding her toward an open area of the house.I was so scared she was going to hurt herself. I kept laying her down on the mat in the playroom so if she threw her head back at least the mat would give a little bit. I just got Aidyn and Macie on the couch and went back to Paisley. I picked her up and tried to hold her...like linebacker style..so she would stop flailing and hugged her as tight as I could and just cried with her while she screamed for me to let her go. She started screaming about a treat again. She was hurting me so I let her go. I laid her on the floor and walked away. This lasted 21 full minutes. I started to decide if I needed to call 911...and finally she stopped. She seemed so defeated and upset with herself. Like she was almost having an out of body experience. She started taking really deep breaths. She came over to me and I picked her up and we went to a nice dim lit room in the house. I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and talked to her in a nice calm voice. I held her so close and told her I was here. We had a long conversation after that and she started to calm down. She was still in a terrible mood for a few hours but not violent. Here we are...2pm she has crashed on the couch. Bottle of water in one hand...apple slice in the other and I see my sweet little girl again. I just want to cry for her.

I have been toying around with the idea of eliminating food dyes for a while because I have friends who have kids whos mental state is offended by them. I was willing to try anything. I started trying to rehash the last 12 hours...looking through all of the food we have. I could not find red dye 40 in ANYTHING. We eat really well. I went through the morning step by step. Wondering what triggered that. I walked through the new natural cereal bars she tried and skipped right over them. Later on....I looked back just to check and there it was staring right back at me "yellow6 and red40". That had to be it.

So today I commit to removing food dyes from our home. For the sake of my daughter. Her self esteem, her relationship with others, for me, for everyone. We are going to change...for her. Just like we did for Aidyn. Just like we would for any of our kids. I am so deeply looking forward to the progress we make. She is a sweet girl...with a touch of fire. I dont want to extinguish her completely. I really dont. I love so much about her. But I cant see her hurt anymore. I just cannot.

I love you little girl

All the mommas

Dear Mom reading a facebook post...questioning her choices OR questioning someone elses choices,

Let this serve as a reminder to you. There are moms who vaccinate and moms who don't...there are also moms who fall in between. You women are strong and you are wise.

There are moms of intact little boys, moms who circumcise, moms with one of each, or moms who regret their choice no matter what it was. You women are strong and you are wise.

There are moms who formula feed from birth and there are moms who refuse to even let a pacifier enter their child's breathing space until they are 6 months old. BOTH of those women are strong and BOTH of those women are wise. There are also moms who spent countless hours in tears hiding in shame in the corner of their nurseries trying to figure out nipple shields and breastfeeding covers. Trying to understand why their breasts felt soft and their babies were crying but someone told them "just keep trying....our bodies are made to do this." Sometimes, village, our bodies are not. You women are strong and you are wise. There are flaws in natures design and we must remember that. There are moms who chose donors and nurse with an SNS. Praise you women...you are strong and you are wise.

There are Moms who take their 6 weeks begrudgingly and hurry back to work. You women are strong and you women are wise. You know you need that to be the best mom you can be. Some moms beg and plead for more time and don't get it and STILL have to go back to work. They drop their little babies off at daycare and are forced to trust someone to love and care for this little human that they have LITERALLY SPENT their entire life growing. You women are strong and you are wise.

There are moms that cannot bear the thought of someone else being responsible for their child's education, some moms count down the minute until they can send their kids to kindergarten, some mommas fall in between. They cry the day they drop them off but revel in the silence when they come home. You all are strong and you all are wise.

Some moms yell. Some moms count backward from 10. Some moms journal. Some moms go to therapy. Some moms sit at the table with their kids and take  45 minutes explaining what happened, why they are mad, what they should do differently next time. Guess what? You are all strong and you are all wise.

Some moms drive past a McDonalds and think "eh what the hell" and they drive through while their kids scream happily in the backseat about chicken nuggets and french fries. Some Moms drive past a McDonalds and think "that would be SO much easier...". Some Moms drive past a McDonalds and think "GROSS! I cannot put that trash inside my child's body" Some Moms drive past a McDonalds and pull into a chain restaurants parking lot, walk in and order their kids chicken nuggets and think "at least I didnt go to McDonalds". Some Moms drive past McDonalds, straight home and hand craft quinoa nuggets for their kids. You are all strong....and you are all wise.

 When getting ready for birth some Momma's proudly proclaim they cannot wait for the drugs. GIMMIE THE JUICE. Some mommas spend hours, weeks, months researching every single detail of the birthing process....and in the end they seek some sort of medicinal pain relief. Some mommas wing it and end up with no pain relief what so ever. Each of those mommas has their own feelings about their birthing journey. Some love it. Some hate it. Some have more kids JUST so they can give birth again. Some proclaim they will never, ever birth again, ever. You know what? You are all strong and you are all wise.

You see...social media moms....we are all birds of the same beautiful feather. We, as some point, gave life to another human being. We grew them. We nourish them in one way or another. We kiss booboos, wipe tears, dance in the living room, put on time out, spend hours with bloodshot eyes in the ER because WE SWEAR that fever is not JUST teething...it cannot possibly be. We wake up in the middle of the night...poo smeared all over everything. There is even poo in the next room...how did it get there? We will never know. We go through food slumps where our kids diets consist of Mac N cheese and half chewed gum from movie theater chairs. We go through highs where whipping up a quick batch of "toddler muffins" is" totes no big deal for us/" We go through pride, we go through regret, we go through trials and tribulations, highs and lows. We go through it all. We are responsible for life...LIFE. That is A LOT of pressure. Its a wonder we don't spontaneously combust.

Moms we are each a phoenix in our own right. We are burned everyday by our own self judgement. Then, because we are strong and we are willful and we are the single most powerful beings on planet Earth...we rise again with a fire inside that cannot be contained.

Remember this, my sweet village, never let anyone hurt your Phoenix. Not even yourself.

You are strong and you are wise.

You're making me uncomfortable

In the wake of a rather opinionated (THATS RIGHT I SAID IT) post about a woman threatening her child in Target...I received a gentle...calm...tactful facebook message. My friend asked me "Why are you so open about it? You're making me uncomfortable"

Well....

that is why. The picture above is my biological father, who raised me and my sister both, being escorted in his Naval Officers uniform to prison. He was being sent to prison for being obscenely abusive toward my sister and myself. I feared that man more than I feared death and I lived with him. I shared a house, food, a living room, a life with him. He was my Dad. People were so fooled by him. He was an incredibly well decorated officer, extremely successful, and the master manipulator.

I remember looking for his "signs"...he would bite his lip, mess with his class ring, take a deep breath, his face would get super red. I could feel the sting of his fist before it even made contact with my face. I ran away from that situation at age 15. I would like to insert the cliche "and never looked back" line here but I cant. I look back...every day....constantly.

I look back when my husband touches me when I am not ready. I look back when my kid upsets me. I look back when Macie accidentally headbutts me and my upbringing tells me to response with rage. I look back in my nightmares as a grown woman. I look back when I smell Marlboro reds. I look back when I smell peppermint, when I see that khaki uniform in my peripherals...

I guess what I am trying to say is...my situation is extreme and I understand that but this kind of stuff sticks with you...and it makes a difference. It ranges from minor to terrible but it is real. What you do to your kids is real and permanant....

please just....think about how badly you are hurt and how vividly you remember a time when someone you loved and trusted hurt you the most....you can recall every detail. What they said, what they were wearing, what you were eating, what the smells were..what the weather was like...If you chose not to forgive them and even harbor resentment towards them...you have no problem justifyin that. OR even if you have a "fine" relationship with them now..the pain never goes away.

food for thought

the creepy past

I like to tell myself that everyone in the world made monumental mistakes for three years straight like I did. Im not talking like....ate too many donuts or like...bought a really expensive car and now lives paycheck to paycheck. Nope. I would consider mistakes like that blessings comparatively. I spent three years of my life living recklessly and irresponsibly. Drugs? nope. Homicide? Nope. Thats good though. Perspective. At least I didnt kill anyone. What did I kill? My credit history. I all but completely stopped paying my bills...who am I kidding...I did. I stopped paying my bills for three years. THREE ENTIRE YEARS. I just went about acting like they didnt exist. I shoved them into this tiny little compartment of my brain that I refused to acknowledge. Ocassionally, on the silent drive around I would think "woooooooo its been about a year since I even thought about that MASSIVE STUDENT LOAN"...but that was it. In fact..I gnored them so well that i COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THEM....until now. Thanks US Department of Education for the subtle reminder. I think--if we are being honest...I thought I was going to eventually take my own life so it didnt matter? I was just kind of building up the guts to do it. Make sure Aidyn was in a good place with his Dad. I dont know what I was waiting for. God knew. I didnt. I mean I thank Him every day that he never gave me the gall to actually take my own life..dont get me wrong but Im like "damn dude...a little more whispers in the ear about paying my bills would've been nice!"

I am still searching for the hidden meaning in all of that time. Who knows if I will ever find one. I do know, for one, it is testing my husbands capacity of patience and forgiveness right? That poor man...married me...and three years of reckless living and spending. Often he takes it on himself...says the hurt he caused me turned me to a life of sin. Its not his fault. I had no self control and no real plan of staying alive long enough to assume responsibility for my actions. Here I am...many moons later...and it has come back to haunt me. I am in an insane amount of debt and in no position to get a job. I have babies to raise and give my time to. I have a service member for a husband who needs me to hold it down here while he does whatever he does in that windowless cave that he works in. I dont know.

Im sitting here..staring at these enormous numbers in this spreadsheet I am having to type out thinking...what in the world did I do? 

Why am I sharing this with you? I dont know...so people know I am human. To hold myself accountable. Part of self forgiveness, I think, is really putting it out there the colossal mistakes you have made. I have one more. I am not ready to face it. Its between me and God. Im fairly certain He is also just pretending it didnt happen. I would if I was him.

ugh

pay your bills folks. i promise you they will not just go away. dammit. 

....back to the ol spreadsheet...work your magic Dave Ramsey. Im about to go get an I.V. drip of Young Living's blend "Stress Away" so I dont spontaneously combust. Diffusing it seems to be helping...for now.

I am a hippy of the hybrid variety

Well hellloooooooo!! Welcome to a culmination of all the things that spiral through my brain. I have spent my life learning, failing, learning, improving, learning and adapting. Its been a lengthy process, an arduous journey...any way you want to put it. It took me 26 years, 9 months and 15 days to realize that I should put these thoughts down on paper and share with the world. Some people will love it...some people will leave it...heck some people might hate it. I encourage those to give me feedback so I can improve upon my very most personal thoughts and tailor them to your liking. I kid. If you hate it feel free to close this window and move on with your life. My feelings wont be hurt. Your loss. I kid again...kind of....not really.

I have gone through a journey that has had a lot of hurt, love, forgiveness, forsaking, learning, failing, growing, digressing...its been an interesting one. I have no real urge to explain the whole thing up front so you will pick up little bits and pieces all along the way I am sure. I have lots of opinions, most fact/evidence based and decided upon after much much research. See Ive spent years inundating my poor cranium with facts about all the things. Mostly because I want to do right by my spawn but also because I love sharing information with people. I want to be a public servant of all the varieties. I am opinionated but not so much that I require other people to believe and agree but I just have no hesitation about sharing. I appreciate when people receive my opinion with humility and grace but secretly love it when they argue.

If you hate any of the following...this blog is not for you. Or maybe it is? I dont know.

kids
parents
non-parents
non kids (is that a thing?)
delicious food
People who love God (not in a forceful way...but are not afraid to talk about it)
carseat information
essential oils
food
chipotle
energy drinks
opinions
emotions
funny jokes
homeschoolers
unschoolers
publicschoolers
private schoolers
charter schoolers
schoolers in general
the military
hippys
right wing
left wing
gay
straight
bi
trans
any sort of sexual
white
black
purple
asian
yellow
blue
and also little white powdered donuts

if you love chocolate..you need to leave now. I kid. kind of.

The point is, if you have hate in your heart, this is not the place for you. I do not support, tolerate, accept, or understand any level of hate.

I have an opinion, fact based or not, on many things. What kinds of things would you like to hear about? Do leave a comment and you may be surprised to find what I have to say.

toodles